Lloyds TSB Private Banking

How to win friends and influence people … or how to lose your best customers.

My debit card is shortly to run out of validity. I hadn’t received my new one so I rang them the other day to ask where it was.

“Don’t worry,” they said, “they’re usually sent out a fortnight or so before the old one runs out.”

I thought that was fine and I’ve been checking my mail since then. Tonight, however, I get in and there’s a letter from Lloyds TSB dated 13th September – but only received today, 19th – saying that:

“We wanted to tell you that your new Lloyds TSB card is at [my designated branch]. So when you have a chance, please drop in and pick it up…”

Now my branch is a 350 mile round trip away from where I live.

I haven’t been in to that branch for over 20 years.

What sort of fuckwittery leads them to think that I would “have a chance” to “drop in and pick it up”? What’s wrong with simply sending me the card in the usual way?

So I tried to ring them, but no, all their telephone numbers appear to have a fault on the line. Maybe the telephone bills were paid by the TSB part that they’ve just hived off? Maybe the sale of a chunk of the Government’s stake has meant they’re a bit short of cash to pay the bills right now?

So I’m now left with the likelihood that when I’m abroad next week, my present card will run out and I’ll be unable access my money due to their utter incompetence. And they expect me to keep my money in their accounts? Yeah right… Maybe after 36 years with Lloyds, it’s time to find a bank that knows its arse from its elbow.

The Trouble with Traffic Planning…

…is that it’s an oxymoron, much like the old joke about “Military Intelligence”.

Transport for London, in its infinite wisdom, has decided to fix a problem that it thinks might exist (see the quote below) in the Rotherhithe Tunnel by adding more solid bollards to restrict the width of the approaches to the tunnel down to 6′ 6″, i.e. tighter than a gnat’s chuff.

What this means is that on the approaches to the tunnel, both northbound and southbound, traffic – understandably – slows to a snail’s pace at best to negotiate the width restrictions and this leads to long, long queues of traffic and not just at peak times.

The justification?

“The narrowing of the width restrictions on both northbound and southbound approaches to the tunnel will significantly reduce the risk of vehicle collisions, spillage of flammable materials, and fires in the tunnel.”

So a complete lack of a quantitative analysis or justification. Are they saying that narrower vehicles don’t crash or spill flammable materials or catch fire? Evidence?


And what is to become of the vehicles that cannot enter the Rotherhithe Tunnel? Well they are required to use either Tower Bridge or the Blackwall Tunnel, both of which are well-known for traffic queues, so they’re just creating more travel problems or adding to the severity of existing ones.

Utter fuckwittery!

Still, I suppose they need to justify their fake jobs by coming up with these ludicrous schemes…

I’ve written to TfL to ask them about this issue, copied to my MP, so we’ll see what, if anything, they have to say.


Once upon a time, I had a savings account with Bradford & Bingley. On 29 September 2008 Bradford & Bingley’s savings accounts were transferred to Abbey. On January 11 2010 these were rebranded to Santander, who are one of the biggest banks around. On the basis of my experience tonight, I have no idea why.

I wanted to close an account, so I rang their phone number as printed on the statement. I had to wait whilst the automated service threw a wobbly as I didn’t enter a card number – I have no card with them – before I sat in a queue for 21 minutes. The dial tone then changed … and the fuckwit telebanker cut me off!

Useless wankers.

After another 22 minute wait, I finally got through to an operator who couldn’t help me anyway!